In one of my former work positions, I received an annual review from our executive board. I dreaded it every year. Part of the reason I dreaded it was because I knew that this group saved up everything I did wrong or right from the last 12 months and then dumped it on me in that meeting. While I’m sure I received some encouraging feedback on my performance, I’m having a hard time remembering any of that. I do, however, remember clearly the negative and difficult feedback.
But here’s the thing, whether the feedback was positive or negative, I was ALWAYS blindsided by it. I literally went through every year with almost no outside basis for assessing my performance. That not only led to uncomfortable and anxiety-filled annual reviews, it also led to a simmering anxiety during the whole year. I constantly had to guess at how I was doing in their eyes. That was not much fun either.
There was also no set pattern. Sometimes the executive board did a 360-degree survey, then the next year they simply shared their observations, the next year they gave written feedback, the next year verbal—you get the picture.
There was also no follow up. I would receive my feedback and annual review and then not have another conversation about my performance for the next 12 months. Even if I did develop action steps to address growth areas, the executive board never asked to see them, never followed up with me regarding improvement, and seemed to forget it all by the time the following year rolled around.
The executive board was the three-member team to whom I reported. Now I want to introduce to a person to whom I did not report. She actually reported to me. Her real initials were BF. That didn’t stand for best friend as in BFF (Best Friends Forever), but it might as well have. She gave me feedback all the time—at least weekly. She gave me feedback on how I was addressing what was happening in our organization, on my leadership, my speaking, and how I was coming across to a variety of people. She had been there a while and knew the living system well.
And most of the feedback that BF gave me addressed the areas where my performance came up short and where my blind spots were. This may surprise you: I loved getting this from her. It was great to receive because I knew two things without a doubt:
- BF loved me as a person.
- BF wanted me to succeed.
BF was my first real experience with the alternative to annual anonymous feedback. Instead of 360-degree anonymous feedback, BF gave me 365-days-a-year face-to-face feedback. Unlike my annual meetings with the executive board, I actually enjoyed these conversations, and I’m sure a smile broke onto my face every time I saw her coming. I knew she cared about me, AND I knew she was giving me this feedback because she was in my corner—she wanted the best for me. She even took the time to tell me how I was doing with implementing good responses to the feedback after she had given it to me. I knew those follow up questions came from a place of genuine interest and care.
This is the heart of effective regular feedback—your heart! People can tell when we believe in them and love them, and when our desire is their success. When we can begin to give and receive feedback in this way we discover an amazing truth: not giving feedback is actually the most unloving thing we can do.
What are some ways you can begin to give “BF” kind of feedback? What steps can you take to make sure that the people to whom you give feedback know that you care about them and are in their corner desiring their success? Finally, is there a “BF” to you in your organization? Maybe it isn’t even the person to whom you report. Take the time to thank that person this week for caring enough about you tell you regularly how you are doing.
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