How malleable are our beliefs? Two weeks ago Jeff posted on emotional maturity. In that post, he mentioned psychologist Albert Ellis’s ABCs of emotions: There is an Activating event, which we filter through our Belief system to produce an emotional Consequence. Right away I knew I wanted to write a follow-up post to Jeff’s article on how to shape our beliefs. To me, this is a big part of a growth mindset—believing that I have some control over my beliefs. And what a difference it makes to my emotional response if I can change the filters (beliefs) that I see the activating event through!
Remember watching Andy Stanley talk about the power of beliefs in our very first LEAD 365 session? Stanley talked about how our beliefs can limit or empower us. I almost changed the title of this post, because no one can believe themselves into flying…except that the Wright brothers did just that. Beliefs are more powerful than we can really understand. And I believe that we can actively change some of our beliefs, and thereby change our lives.
So let’s dive in…
All of us have false beliefs. Things that we know are true, but objectively are not true. These false beliefs are often harmful; they are often the root of our own dysfunction. These false beliefs generally begin in our childhood. We might not even know we believe this false thing, but our patterns of behavior show that something is there. That’s the first place to start when trying to change a belief: your behavior.
Step 1: Identify where there might be a false belief
This is easier said than done! I think I’ve been through enough therapy to buy my wonderful psychologist a boat. It was worth it, though, because I’ve identified some deep-rooted false beliefs and finally been able to change some very destructive patterns of behavior in my life. (And you thought I had it all together!)
You might not need that level of therapy, or any therapy at all. You can start to identify your false beliefs by looking at your patterns of behavior and being open to feedback from people who know you well. Maybe you tend to get really defensive when someone criticizes you. Maybe you can’t bear it when your spouse is angry with you and you are compelled to fix the problem immediately, even if that really makes it worse. Maybe you find yourself wading through shame and regret every time you eat a donut. Whatever it is, through some effort you can begin to identify areas where there might be some false beliefs. Again, you might not even know quite what the belief is, but your patterns of behavior will tell you that there’s something there.
Step 2: Change the behavior
A mistake a lot of us make is waiting for the belief to change before changing our behavior. I can almost guarantee you that your belief will not change first. Belief often follows behavior, so once you identify a pattern of behavior, decide how you want to behave instead (it’s that emotional maturity thing again!). We teach this in Living Systems: Be the water, not the Diet Coke. In this regard, you CAN fake it ’til you make it. If you consistently change your behavior, you will prove to yourself that your false belief is just that…false, and over time that false belief will be replaced by new, healthy beliefs.
It sounds so easy, but it’s not easy at all. (Remember that boat I bought for my therapist?) And the hardest step to take is that very first one, that very first time you choose to do the new behavior in that situation. It can be terrifying. But it is so very worthy. Just like learning to be water—calm and responsive instead of fizzy and reactive—doing the new behavior gets easier in time. But only if you take that first step.
You might already know what pattern of behavior you want to change. (I bet your spouse has some ideas if you don’t!) We at Leading by DESIGN are always willing to help you think about how to take that first step. Having the courage to do this hard stuff is a big part of what makes you a leader worth following. I hope that this week you will think about what false beliefs and patterns of behavior you might want to tackle. It really can change your life and your leadership.
Until next time, lead on!
Meredith
Image by Hamad AL-Mohannna. Used under CC BY 2.0 license.
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