Let’s start today with a quick look at the “Leaning In To Healthy Conflict” model. Since this is such a key part of leadership, regularly reviewing this model is definitely in order. Before you keep reading, see if you can visually picture the process in your head. (If you need a refresher, I’ve included an image of the conflict model at the bottom of this post.)
I remember the first time I seriously reflected on healthy conflict. It was seventeen years ago when Reggie McNeal published his book on leadership called A Work of Heart. I realized then that I had some significant work to do in order to be a leader who leans into healthy conflict well. Much of what I have written in today’s blog is due to this great book. Below are six “conflict falsehoods” that surfaced for me at that time.
Jeff’s Conflict Falsehoods:
- If I lead really well, there won’t be any conflict.
Some think that great leaders are defined by never facing disagreements. In fact, the opposite is far more common. - If I don’t establish a clear vision and direction there won’t be any conflict.
The reality is that you will likely generate MORE conflict, not less, if you are unclear about where you are going. - I’m either all right or all wrong.
While this may be the case, many times conflicts do not fall into these neat categories. Being willing to “think grey” is really important. - I don’t have hot buttons.
Most of us have triggers for that fight or flight response. Knowing these triggers for yourself can help you respond to them in a healthy way. - If I’m right, I don’t need to forgive.
Even if you engage in healthy conflict really well, it is likely you will need to release your right to remain angry at another person. Do this for their sake AND for your sake. - Kindness and honesty are mutually exclusive.
Love and truth go hand in hand. Don’t pit them against each other and don’t ever believe you have to trade one for the other.
There were several reflection questions that helped me identify and work through my challenges with leaning into healthy conflict. I’ve listed these questions below. The answers to the questions will be unique to each of us. While taking time to look back on these things takes a little work, when you consider how important this is to being a leader worth following, it is certainly time well spent. You could even consider journaling your answers to these questions:
Conflict reflection questions:
- Am I conflict-allergic, or do I love a good fight, or is the truth about me somewhere in between?
- What has shaped my view of conflict?
- What early experiences with conflict do I remember and how have they shaped me?
- What is my first response to those who challenge my leadership?
- What have I learned about myself through conflict?
- What am I modeling to my team about how to lean in to health conflict?
Reggie McNeal is right: Leaning in to healthy conflict is a “Work of Heart.” How is that work of heart going for you?
Lead on,
Jeff
Image by JocelynLehman. Used under CC BY-ND 2.0.
And because review is essential to adult learning, here’s the conflict model for you once again:
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