Why Feedback Is Uncomfortable — and What To Do About It

Let’s continue exploring feedback. In this post I unpacked why we need feedback. Today we’ll do a quick reminder on why it’s hard for many of us to give or receive feedback. Remember the Human System?

A Human System

1. People are unique, with different beliefs, priorities of values, gifts, passions, and wiring.
2. People are dysfunctional. Dysfunction shows up in many different ways. Some are just quirky, others are highly destructive or hurtful.
3. People are blind to some things, especially their gifts and how their dysfunction shows up.
4. People need feedback from others who know them and care for them because of items A, B, and C.
5. People don’t tend to receive feedback well. Most get a little weird (at the very least) when friends give them feedback. It’s part of our dysfunction.
6. People won’t give feedback freely because of item 5.

A mistake many of us make when talking about feedback is lumping it all into one category. In reality, feedback breaks down into four separate categories:

• Giving positive feedback
• Giving negative feedback
• Receiving positive feedback
• Receiving negative feedback

We all have different levels of comfort in these four different areas of feedback. Many people struggle with giving negative feedback because they don’t want to hurt the other person or strain the relationship. But plenty of people struggle with giving positive feedback to others. They might not need that kind of input themselves, so they don’t think to offer it to others. Most of us have an emotional reaction of some type when receiving negative feedback, and some people are made very uncomfortable by receiving positive feedback. Each person is different.

Great leaders know themselves wellsomething that’s not possible without soliciting and accepting feedback. Great leaders also work to develop the people on their team—something that’s not possible without giving feedback and creating a culture that allows for healthy, honest feedback.

So what about you? I’d love for you to take a minute to rate how you do with the four areas of feedback. On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being terrible and 5 being awesome, how do you do with the four areas of feedback?

• Giving positive feedback
• Giving negative feedback
• Receiving positive feedback
• Receiving negative feedback

Great leadership requires constant learning and constant behavioral growth. This week, pay attention to feedback. What might you do to create a culture that encourages and thrives on feedback, good, bad, or indifferent? How might you model the behavior you want to see? How might you continue to stretch yourself and live into those uncomfortable moments of leadership? Because in the end, none of us want to be the Emperor strutting around in the buff, deep in denial of what everyone else can clearly see.

Image by tangi_bertin. Used under CC BY 2.0 license.